by Nita Hill

I put Joni Mitchell on to inspire. The album cover features a group of people carrying a boa constrictor (I have no idea if boas hiss). When I think of hissing and lawns I think of sprinkler systems. In Portlandia if you are an ordinary person and you happen to water your lawn you would be labeled a pariah. Here in Trumplandia, people who live in houses that are worth less than their cars have sprinkler systems. I am very uncomfortable having the sprinkler system automatically discharging such a valuable commodity. In the first place, I have maimed it several times with my now totally dull shovel and it might cost a bit to “get her up and running” and secondly, I am a creature of guilt.

Honestly though, I did spend about an hour with the PDF of the brain of the system and made no progress at all so I bought the arching/fan kind you connect to the hose and will try not to let the front yard go to hell.

In Portlandia people have removed most of the grass and have veg gardens or some fruit trees in the front so that they can survive the apocalypse or at least look like they care. Here, I guess people don’t worry about the apocalypse or maybe for them it has already occurred.

While we are on the subject of lawns, there will be dandelions. I personally don’t have a huge charge on them. The other day I took my dandelion popper to hand and aimlessly walked around the back yard popping some out. It is really satisfying to get the whole “carrot” out but it rarely happens. It the six years we lived in our last house, I was able to reduce the population of the back yard to only a few from almost total coverage. Anyway, the guy who is putting down a new floor in our basement after he ripped out the dreadful brown shag asked what I was doing. I think of it more of a walking meditation than a project of interest, but he thinks like the natives, so he owned the issue here. He told me that just that day he had seen someone vacuuming the seed heads with a real vacuum. Not a shop vac even, but a carpet vacuum. I have to say, that is impressive and if you hear a hiss rather than a roar from a vacuum it makes for a perfect way to wrap up this missive.

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